|up all night, got demons to fight.
||[Jul. 27th, 2014|07:08 pm]
Today is one of those days I open this quiet space of mine to pen down my thoughts. Its just the way I like it still - quiet, free of judgment. I can pour my innermost thoughts onto this platform and not have a soul dissect or remark on what I have to say. I can steer away from the boisterous me that I always put on show but somehow can never reconcile with in private. |
It comforts me.
I wish to say I have it all thought out, that I have some semblance of a life I would have planned if I weren't just meandering through it. Im scared, to be honest. I don't really know where to go from here. These years, which should be marked by a budding career and the long, drawn-out process of growing up and having a hold on your independence, of wrestling with the idea that you are your own person now... it has a chokehold over me. It's the space between awake and dreaming that I cannot fathom. How do you have ideals when you have bills to pay, reality to grapple with and ships to keep afloat?
I wish to be the giddy schoolgirl I once was, my arms perpetually raised so my dad could pick me up and have me perched atop his shoulders. I can see the world better, I thought then. And now, now its a blur of pedestrians vying for personal space in packed cans.
I can't see anything.
I wish to be the friend that I once was. You'd wait for me to finish work so we could go to loof, our blanket fort masquerading as a bar, where we spoke of our dreams and the people we want to grow up into, which seemed lightyears away then. Do you remember? I remember meeting you. You were all giggles and optimism. I was a wide-eyed adolescent losing my footing on awkward, coming-of years and you were a respite. Suddenly I wasn't so scared anymore. If everyone I meet could be you, I would have nothing to fear.
I want to know what happened.
I'd have you know that I have nothing thought out. I'm swimming with the tide, and have been all this while. I'd have you know that I still struggle with all the responsibilities thrown at me, strewn all over the safehouse I've built in the deep abyss of my heart, a place I go to when this is all too much, and im picking up the haphazard pieces of a world so foreign I still wallow in my carefree teenagehood and think to myself "I'm not a part of that madness."
But I am.
I wish to be you again. You who loved fearlessly and is loved in return. You believed in songs that sing of happy endings. You never had a doubt in human nature - every one has good intentions, you told me. Every one? Yes, you would say with conviction. People hurt you, but you never wavered. You saw the magic in everything - in rain, in the sun and the moon, in your cup of coffee, in the sea, in other people. You were present when I spoke of infinity.
Do you still live here?
Sometimes I feel like I've been thrust into this horrible play in which I want no part of...
...but the days I want to run into are in years I cannot relive anymore.
And it hurts me to say that.